Counteridenticals in the wild

“”If I were Alexander,” said Parmenio, “I would accept these terms.” “And so indeed would I,” said Alexander, “were I Parmenio.”” —Plutarch, The Life of Alexander

“How do you guys think, if you were Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer, or even Mitch McConnell, that you’d deal with the problem of an untrustworthy negotiating partner?” —David Plotz on Slate’s Political Gabfest, “Exploratory Committee” edition (around 12:08)

“You know what, Ms. White? Maybe you should turn into me. Because I appreciate people. I say things like “thank you” and “great honking.” And if you were me, you might realize that you-me should be nice to me-me.” —Netflix’s Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, S2:E6 (around 18:30)

“”I wouldn’t be in this situation” Apple CEO Tim Cook told Recode’s Kara Swisher in an interview where he was asked what he would do right now if he was Mark Zuckerberg.” —MacRumors

“If Hello Kitty were Mickey Mouse, this would be Disneyland.” —Atlas Obscura’s description of Sanrio Puroland

“If I was you, I would want to be me too.” —Meghan Trainor’s “Me Too”

“It ends with him saying, “I guess the bottom line is who you yourself would hire if you were in trouble. If I was in trouble, I’d hire me.”” —Criminal, Ep. 99, “Racehorse Haynes” (around 28:03)

ALEX: Ok. Here’s what I’ll say. If I were Justin Trudeau, retaining all of my Alex Goldman-y traits…
PJ: Yeah. You’d be a very handsome Alex Goldman who could speak French.
ALEX: But, if I were to retain sort of like my terrible personality, my weak, shriveled posture—all of the things that make me essentially Alex Goldman…
PJ: Uh-huh.
ALEX: …and a Sasquatch ran up to me and told me to raise interest rates, you’d better believe that not only would I be raising interest rates, I would be putting all of my national defense money into Sasquatch elimination.” —Gimlet’s Reply All, “Zardulu” (around 30:40)

“I mean, I feel like, just–if I knew a lot more, if I were more clever, if I were funnier, I would be Matt Levine.” —Jacob Goldstein on NPR’s Planet Money, “Our Valentines”

SPIEGEL: …Do you think that if you were in Kim’s situation, you would want to have seen what she saw?
ROSIN: I mean, if it were me, I think I would make the same choice Kim made.” —NPR’s Invisibilia, S2:E4 “Frame of Reference”

“And if I were the ocean, I think I’d be looking for a curly-haired non-princess to start that again.” —Maui in Moana

“I mean, I would hate me if I were him.” —Michael in Jane the Virgin, S3:E5 (around 21:20)

“If I were the Clinton campaign, I would be spending some time highlighting his comments about sexual harassment in the workplace.” —Ruth Marcus on Slate’s Political Gabfest, “You can get the baby out of here” edition (around 35min)

“How would you feel if you were a heart shaped potato?” —Imperfect Produce

“Sometimes I think how lucky I would be to have me as my father. I would look up at me, and say, thank you me, for allowing me to become such a great you.” —father in Kim’s Convenience